Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
