I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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