god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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