Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
