Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
