What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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