there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
