Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My brain says no but my pants say off.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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