I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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