Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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