it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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