Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
