I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
