Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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