3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
