We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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