im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
