The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
