I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
