I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
