Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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