I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
