So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
