Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Send help, water and tortillas.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
