Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
