It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
