It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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