eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
