I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
