Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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