thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
