my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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