I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"