you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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