I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
