it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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