So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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