i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
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We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
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IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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