im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
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All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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