I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
