I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
