In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
