Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
