you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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