I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
