He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
