weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
