your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
