my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
