Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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