i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
