I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
