Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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