do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
