conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
