thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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